so i see a lot of talk about how ace identities are inherently homophobic and harmful to young lgbpq kids? which like. is pretty obviously untrue, except apparently that’s not obvious to a lot of people? and what i think it boils down to is:
stop blaming aces for Straight societal problems?
I see aces get told that we’re “hypersexualizing” people by saying that we don’t experience sexual attraction. No. That’s not what’s happening. If your world includes no grey area to the point that you look at “this person doesn’t feel sexual attraction” and assume that the ONLY other alternative is “other people therefore feel sexual attraction literally all the time”, that’s your problem.
I see a lot of flack get thrown at aces for hypersexualizing wlw relationships specifically, and at the same time I see aces get shit for desexualizing wlw relationships. Now I’m not an expert on this, as a Baby Bi (I first called myself bi, like, yesterday. but I’ve been Wondering for like ten years so it doesn’t feel that new lol), even though I’m sure that if an acephobe wanders across it they’ll screenshot things out of context and what the fuck ever. but like.
I think the problem is that the world at large (read: the Straight World) both hypersexualizes and desexualizes wlw. And aces are just trying to navigate this fucked up world the same as anyone else, so blaming us for the problem, when we’re also affected by it, is shitty.
Personally? The reason that it took me ten years to work out that I’m romantically into girls is because of that shit. Because I’ve never felt sexual attraction for a girl, so according to the Hypersexualized Idea, I couldn’t be into girls at all. And because according to the Desexualized Idea, any non-sexual feelings I had couldn’t be romantic, and must be platonic, because all girls are super close with each other.
It was super confusing to me because while maybe like 80% of my feelings towards boys were romantic and asexual, before I knew I was ace, I assumed I must be feeling sexual attraction to them as well, because The World was like, girls feel sexually attracted to boys, so I just assumed that was what I was feeling. It wasn’t until my grey ace ass stumbled into a couple of instances of sexual attraction that I realized I’d never felt it before. So Young Me assumed that I was romantically and sexually interested in boys, which like, I am, albeit not often (I think I’m also grey-aro, since I don’t get crushes anywhere near as often as any allo-ro folks I know). But Young Me was actually only feeling romantic attraction for boys, which was similar to what I felt for girls, but didn’t recognize it as such, thanks to the previously-discussed simultaneous hypersexualization and desexualization.
So basically, I didn’t realize that I felt romantic attraction for girls until I worked out that I was ace. Because realizing I was ace made me realize, oh, I almost never experience sexual attraction, but I’ve experienced a fair amount of romantic attraction, and this is what that looks like, and oh, I can be romantically into girls as well without having been sexually into them, just like I have been with boys, and that’s still attraction.
I wouldn’t have worked out that I felt romantic attraction to girls without knowing about asexuality. So shitting all over asexuality because some wlw have found it to be a hiding place from internalized homo/biphobia doesn’t really make sense - it’s not asexuality that’s the problem, it’s The Straights. If “asexual” was a label that you used for a time because you had a hard time recognizing or admitting your sexual attraction to women, that’s because the world is fucked up, not because aces exist. I definitely agree that it’s harmful for wlw to be both hyper- and de- sexualized, it’s just not the fault of asexuality.
And blaming asexuality for all of this totally ignores that it can actually be really helpful as well - like for me, if I hadn’t known about it, I’d just have carried on thinking I was a Straight. And I know plenty of aces have had similar experiences.
@biacesolidarity @queerghostt I follow both of you guys and you’re both also bi aces, so I was wondering if either of y’all have any thoughts? I’m just working through mine, but discussion is Good, so, you know.
Yeah.
The idea that learning about asexuality hurts lgbpq youth is frustrating to me since I would have never found out I was bi if I hadn’t learned I was asexual. I’ve heard of gay/bi people who falsely identified as ace due to internalized homophobia/biphobia, but I honestly think education about asexuality helps more people than it hurts.
Heteronormativity made me feel like all my crushes on girls was actually just friendship. It also easy to ignore my attraction since I had no sexual feelings towards women. On the other hand, I felt like my lack of sexual attraction to boys was just immaturity and I would eventually outgrow it.
After discovering asexuality, I actually falsely identified as aromantic because I had the same romantic attraction to both men and women. Since the desexualization of wlw relationships made me feel like my attraction was just friendship, I felt like my crushes on boys was also just friendship. Internalized homophobia also played a role because I felt like being with another women was shameful. The hypersexualization of wlw disgusted me as I was sex repulsed and I felt like I couldn’t be in a relationship with a women without sex. Both the aro and the ace community were incredibly helpful in helping me come to terms with being bi. As I learned more about what it meant to be aromantic, I realized that label didn’t suit me. Identifying with the wrong label was a stepping stone to discovering my true identity since I learned more about other lgbt+ communities through the aro community. The ace community introduced me to the concept of relationships without sex, which helped me realize I actually wanted to be in relationship with a women.
When young lgbtpq kids falsely identify as asexual due to internalized homophobia, it is not the fault of asexuality. The aro community was not to blame for me thinking I was aromantic, it was heteronormativity and homophobia. Asexuality is not inherently harmful to lgbtpq kids and more education about it would be incredibly helpful to both ace and allo youth.